Glass Half Full

Last week, Amaya and I went to Meijer. When we walked in, I noticed a young girl, about Amaya's age who was bald. Within 10 seconds, Amaya noticed her too, and made a little noise....like she was scared. I explained to her that sometimes people, including little kids, have to take medicine that can make their hair fall out. Still, she was a bit hesitant, and told me it made her scared, because she had never seen a bald little girl before. Then we were off to do our shopping.
Amaya's left thigh hurts. It has for 10 days. She started limping on it on a Saturday, after her basketball game. Scott watched the game, and said she never limped, hurt herself, or even complained of it during the game, so as far as we know, there is no real injury to it. There is no bruise, redness, swelling, hard bump or anything that would indicate a problem, just pain. This pain increases when she walks ( aka weight bearing). Last Thursday, still in pain, and walking like a gimp, I decided that she shouldn't still be in pain, and decided that she go see the doctor, so off we went. Donna, the nurse praticioner, said that she thought that it was a torn muscle, got an xray (which came back negative), and said that we should give it time, motrin, hot compresses/soaks, and use a heating pad. Like a good doobie, we did as she said.
Today is Tuesday, 10 long days after this started. Amaya came home from school crying, "I can't even keep up with my kids at school to walk with them, because it hurts too bad". She says that the pain is worse and is even hurting at rest, when sitting. Still no signs of injury, such as bruise, redness, etc.... I even called the school and talked with Mrs. Clauss (Amaya's teacher) to see how she has been at school. She said that she was actually going to write me a note about it today, because she is still having trouble with it hurting, and walking.
I'm a nurse and all, and believe that I have a good base knowledge on this kind of stuff, but sometimes I tend to put stuff off longer than other people (like the time that Jake was hospitalized for 7 days and diagnosed with asthma). Sometimes, I over react....I always think the worst! I didn't in this case, OK, I thought it, but didn't dwell on it, or even voice it to anyone, but thought it.
I decided, after trying to get ahold of our doctor without answer, that I would bring her to DeVos Children's Hospital. I want a pediatric radiologist to read the xray. I do trust a regular rad, but I think that I trust a ped's one so much more when it comes to my kids. We got up to the ER at 530pm, and didn't get into a room til around 730. Holy smokes, that is a busy place. The doc came in, got more xrays, then decided after the xrays came back negative that they were going to do some blood tests. Because there is no apparent injury, and she has this continued pain, we have to rule out something like leukemia, and some other stuff. OK, I admit it, I did think it, but thought it was a way out, far fetch of an idea. I mean, come on, it is just a hurt leg!! Anyways, that was me trying to soothe myself in my head. I knew better than that, it is a possibility. I just didn't want to believe it was possible. I told Amaya that she had to have her blood drawn, and she started to cry. I wanted to cry so bad, but didn't want to scare her. She kept telling me that she was scared, and I would talk to her, telling her about the pending procedure, all the meanwhile, in my head I was the one scared, thinking of that little girl at Meijer without the hair, and how she was scared of her bald head. Wondering how she would be without her hair, when she is just beginning to grow it out again. As we sat there talking, and keeping her mind off the impending poke, I got some pictures out of my purse. Once again, back to the hair, she was complimenting herself on her long hair when she was 2 yrs younger. How ironic it was for me.
They came and drew her blood, and she did a fabulous job (with the help of some EMLA cream-numbing). Tick tock, tick tock......time went by. We read an entire chapter book, and finally the doc came back in.
All the lab tests came back negative!! We don't know what is going on, but we do know that it isn't the big stuff, is what he told us. Follow up in 2 days if not better (she will need an orthopedic referral if this continues). Amaya has no idea of what this night meant to me, or to Scott. All I wanted to do is go and vomit. Get dressed, we are going home!
I pray to God pretty much daily. I am not all fancy about it. It is usually at the silliest of times, like driving down the road, just hanging with my kids, or whenever I feel the urge. I make sure that I don't only pray when I need something, mostly it is for other people, but many times it is just to say that I am thankful for my family, their health, and the friendships that I have.
I grew up in a more pessimistic household. There wasn't much optimism, so I am one to look around and wonder. I guess that as I was in that ER room, I was wondering, is this what God has in store for us? Is this what He thinks that we need, leukemia? As I sat in the waiting room there, looking around, there was a little girl, must have been about 5, but looked small for her age. She was pale and sickly looking. If I had triaged her at my work, I would have brought her right back. We waited at least 1 1/2 hours near her, went for an xray, came back and was called into a room before her. I heard her mom say that she passed out at home, yet, she seemed so calm. I assumed that this must not be new for her, and that they have been in before. I felt sad, like why me? All my kids are healthy, I have a good life. Why is she the sick one, why was she chosen to be sick? What does He have in store for us? It is not good to sit and wait in life to see what bad things are going to happen. I just can't help it. I have been through a lot in my life, just different stuff. I have to be optimistic...the glass if half full!!! (damnit)
After all the thinking that I have done tonight, Amaya came home and had a funny grin on for Scott. She was hiding her hand behind her back, like she had something to show him. She did, her battle wound from the blood draw, and her ID band from the hospital. She has no idea, other that she just had an xray and some labs drawn, and that she got to stay up late on a school night. She is happy, she is an optimist!!